why you shouldn’t be a dick to yourself

hello. i spent a decent amount of time trying to fix auto caps, and have found out that its too much of a pain in the ass to change so im just hitting ctrl-z every time every time it caps. just know that i love you all very much.

i also wanted to play deadlock, too… i guess this is easier than playing deadlock. my therapist has enacted one change in me, and its the decision to make a better effort of managing my energy. me writing this blog post while my stomach is quite literally eating itself alive isn’t doing me any favors, but im just gonna rationalize it anyways.

what i really wanted to talk about was being nicer to yourself. ive spent most of my young adulthood being mean to myself. its so bad i developed an insecurity issue that persists into most of my relationships, and its annoying when its so glaringly obvious that i harbor a smidge of disdain for myself. a smidge is an understatement, though.

i managed to convince myself that i was a pushover, and that i didn’t know how to work hard, or get anything done. ive done my fair share of fucking up, oh for sure. but not to the scale that i talk myself up to. it manifests into the way i teach myself things, the way i go about life at all points. honestly, my life is pretty good-and im on a steady upward trend for it to get better.

i want to expand more on how to not be a dick to yourself. frankly, im only a man. i think it starts with having a friend. but an actually smart friend who can help you to realize your behaviors are within cycles, and said cycles are propagated by day by day events. i could write for hours on cycles alone, but having a friend, or a therapist is a good first step. then, to simply check in on yourself. check in as often as you can.

maybe it could be with a journal, or a cup of coffee with a friend. i always say that we need each other. i think you can only get so far with being self aware. and i also think everyone should be in therapy. therapists have therapists. christians have confessions, even jews have rabbis. despite the general opinion being rather skewed against the amazing digital circus, i think it’s a nice depiction of the hedgehog’s dilemma, and rather, the ineptitude to speak.

evangelion is a tried and true example of the dilemma, and that’s where i learned it from. i think tadc adds a level of urgency to the concept, for a hedgehog can hurt another by getting too close, it is a requirement, and an expectation for them and us to do the same for survival. in more direct language, the metaphor about the challenges of human intimacy, and the risks that come with trusting others.

for those who haven’t seen, and slight spoilers ahead, the amazing digital circus is, in my opinion, a heaven without any of the benefits. the characters who populate the circus ‘benefit’ from being unable to die, not needing to eat or drink, but still experience pain. with seemingly no way to escape the circus, they go on ‘adventures’ to maintain mental sanity. what i can respect as a concept is the idea that abstraction is a subconscious suicide, the transformation is shown to be rather euphoric, and there are scenes of character devolving into that state. the transformation is akin to a large, wild black mass covered from head to toe in these multi colored eyes. kinda like the blob from i have no mouth, and must scream. they don’t have mouths, either. in retrospect, this does remind me of the concept of becoming a witch, in madoka magica, but i think that is a topic for another day, as these concepts are similar, but different.

the characters often experience traumas at the hands of their ringleader on these adventures, especially those that harp on their overarching insecurities as characters, kinda in an eva type of way, accelerating them into a state of abstraction. several characters end up abstracting after demonstrating schizophrenic, or isolationist tendencies. but to highlight in particular the insecure tendencies of each character, it isn’t the other hedgehog’s that cause this inability to connect, it’s always within. so for this example of the dilemma, id argue the spines turn inward in this example, as the insecurities, traumas, and desires to feel safe often lead to abstracting, an interesting take on the hedgehog’s dilemma.

the concepts of the AT field and abstracting are both a defensive barrier from the mental or physical strain of others-and in case of abstracting, the pain of existence. these are themes discussed in both evangelion, but also in the nihilistic universe of the circus. seemingly to either participate in the mentally stimulating adventures, or to succumb to the permanent state of abstraction. such a take on heaven sort of reminds me of the good place, where it is difficult to quantify a true heaven, or hell, and its even more difficult to imagine what you would do in their scenario. turning into an abstracted beast is seemingly euphoric for the abstracted, but becoming an inconsolable, uncontrollable monster is a burden and danger to the other inhabitants of a circus.

being in an echo chamber, locked in a bubble of your own thoughts is not only mentally deteriorating, but also antithetical to your growth. the characters in the amazing digital circus do not band together to solve the mysteries of the circus until they are able to overcome their own insecurities, but also their own examples of the hedgehog’s dilemma. while you may not be insecure as gangle, or as narcissistic and uncooperative as jax, (although his self retrospection in the leaked finale may lead me to think otherwise) im certain you have your own issues that ping pong about in an echo chamber of your own. may it be your instagram feed, or your journal, or that head you talk to yourself in.

the spines of a hedgehog are meant to defend them from intruders, and is identical to your nervous system deciding to push others away to keep yourself safe. as long as it is logical, keep in mind that us humans have soft blades of hair to separate us from one another, and we should aim to get as close as possible, especially since we are not punished for doing so, unlike the hedgehog.